Steamed.

This week, everything has hated me. Nothing is going right at all and there is nothing I can do about it. It genuinely makes me angry...which is new for me.

But now that I know how it feels to be angry, I don't know what to do about it. I feel like there is no way to let all of this out productively without hurting anyone, without hurting myself.

Its nights like tonight that make me envy those who are bluntly opinionated. They never let anything that bothers them bottle up. Mine is bottled up like a shaken bottle of Coke. The air inside just keeps expanding. I feel like breaking down, but I have no one to break down on now because Brennen is gone. I miss his sweet advice to say a prayer for peace, his tender reassurances.

It seems like those are much harder to come by than I imagined...

A Wish

to never have a broken heart, to never break a heart, to know exactly what needs to happen, to not miss what needs no missing, to have a fixed decision, to always remember a feeling, to live with no regrets, to forget, to reach that endless potential.


Still, its just that- a fleeting wish with no backing but a sliver of hope.

Fresh

Lately days have gotten long, full of busy activities. Work makes my days so much more occupied. I enjoy what I do at work. I like talking to people. Sometimes I find it hard to understand what they want. I guess I need to work on my people skills. My school work has become second rate. Honestly this semester is just a lot harder to enjoy learning. I've worked out every day for three weeks now. I love how happy I feel after wards. I try to swim after every work out. I miss being in the pool all the time. My body feels almost as comfortable swimming as it does dancing. Maybe I should have been a synchronized swimmer?

There has been so much happen to me this year. I have had to find myself and look to the Lord for the kind of friendship I need. My thoughts are constantly going, wondering what I could be doing better, if what I'm doing is pleasing to Him. I want to be doing the right things for the right reasons. Sometimes its hard to be sure if my decisions feel right because they are what IS right or if they are just what I want. Goals pile up. I work on them every day but they are all goals that must be constantly nourished and sometimes I feel as if they're unreachable. I want to have alll the light I possibly can!

I've discovered my weakness. But for now, that will remain a secret ;]

Brennen is doing well. I didn't get anything from him this week. Sister Miller told mom this week he seemed to be struggling more with the language. I know he'll be fine. If he isn't amazing at everything the first time he tries it he gets frustrated. He knows how to follow promptings and rely on the Spirit to guide him. He'll be fluent in no time!

The weather has been beautiful lately. I love the mountains and how big they make the sky. Yesterday morning a cloud sat on top of the mountains hiding their peaks. It looked fake.

I finally decided what to do for my creativity project. I am going to focus on Ophelia from Shakespeare's Hamlet. She had a lot of "emotional baggage" so I am going to create bags that discuss her issues with her father, lover, and brother. Then for each I'm going to include another artistic work interpreting her feelings- an art piece, a dance, and a poem.