Steamed.

This week, everything has hated me. Nothing is going right at all and there is nothing I can do about it. It genuinely makes me angry...which is new for me.

But now that I know how it feels to be angry, I don't know what to do about it. I feel like there is no way to let all of this out productively without hurting anyone, without hurting myself.

Its nights like tonight that make me envy those who are bluntly opinionated. They never let anything that bothers them bottle up. Mine is bottled up like a shaken bottle of Coke. The air inside just keeps expanding. I feel like breaking down, but I have no one to break down on now because Brennen is gone. I miss his sweet advice to say a prayer for peace, his tender reassurances.

It seems like those are much harder to come by than I imagined...

A Wish

to never have a broken heart, to never break a heart, to know exactly what needs to happen, to not miss what needs no missing, to have a fixed decision, to always remember a feeling, to live with no regrets, to forget, to reach that endless potential.


Still, its just that- a fleeting wish with no backing but a sliver of hope.

Fresh

Lately days have gotten long, full of busy activities. Work makes my days so much more occupied. I enjoy what I do at work. I like talking to people. Sometimes I find it hard to understand what they want. I guess I need to work on my people skills. My school work has become second rate. Honestly this semester is just a lot harder to enjoy learning. I've worked out every day for three weeks now. I love how happy I feel after wards. I try to swim after every work out. I miss being in the pool all the time. My body feels almost as comfortable swimming as it does dancing. Maybe I should have been a synchronized swimmer?

There has been so much happen to me this year. I have had to find myself and look to the Lord for the kind of friendship I need. My thoughts are constantly going, wondering what I could be doing better, if what I'm doing is pleasing to Him. I want to be doing the right things for the right reasons. Sometimes its hard to be sure if my decisions feel right because they are what IS right or if they are just what I want. Goals pile up. I work on them every day but they are all goals that must be constantly nourished and sometimes I feel as if they're unreachable. I want to have alll the light I possibly can!

I've discovered my weakness. But for now, that will remain a secret ;]

Brennen is doing well. I didn't get anything from him this week. Sister Miller told mom this week he seemed to be struggling more with the language. I know he'll be fine. If he isn't amazing at everything the first time he tries it he gets frustrated. He knows how to follow promptings and rely on the Spirit to guide him. He'll be fluent in no time!

The weather has been beautiful lately. I love the mountains and how big they make the sky. Yesterday morning a cloud sat on top of the mountains hiding their peaks. It looked fake.

I finally decided what to do for my creativity project. I am going to focus on Ophelia from Shakespeare's Hamlet. She had a lot of "emotional baggage" so I am going to create bags that discuss her issues with her father, lover, and brother. Then for each I'm going to include another artistic work interpreting her feelings- an art piece, a dance, and a poem.

Tubing!!

On Valentines day I went tubing with all my Colorado boys and some girls from my ward! We had SOO much fun! SNOW IS AMAZING!






Second email from Brennen update: He is the new AP to his mission president. He has only been there two weeks. Goodness me that boy is so amazing.

I'm going back blonde this week! I've missed those good ole days ;]

Archaeology is kicking my tooshie. I have that midterm starting this week and I have a feeling no matter how hard I study my butt off I won't do well. I figured that class would be a fun, interesting general ed. requirement. BUT OH HOW WRONG WAS I!?

I am making an online magazine for my Mass Communication class. It is www.BoardOuttaMyMind.7h.com I get graded on how many people subscribe and open my emails. If you could go subscribe for me that would be AWESOME! It should be a pretty good website too! My group and I have had a lot of fun making it!

Brennen left last Tuesday. It is so crazy that he has already been gone a week. I am so proud of him and how much he has grown already. He is even singing in the MTC choir!? Since when does he want to sing?! His excitement helps me. I miss him but knowing how happy is serving makes me forget that a little more. He has finally figured out how to be completely immersed. Both of his feet are on the same path. I've been having all these weird/scary dreams about him too..


I've been searching and searching for a job. It feels like it is impossible! I have applied at so many places and have had no luck whatsoever. I want to work so I can keep myself busy...keep my mind busy.

Rachel and I have been working out every night this week. I signed up for a gym membership and I think it might break my bank account's back, but I love it. Endorphins really do make you happier! It is a totally worth how it makes me poor. A little boost of happiness is something I need every day.

I have found how wonderful prayer is. Not talking to Brennen about everything has been a hard adjustment. I feel like I need so much help. The Lord is always there to listen. Doctrine and Covenants 25 has become a bit of a theme for me. I want to become an elect lady. I want to praise the Lord with music. I want to support Brennen in every way that I can. I want to forget the trifle things of the world. I love church history.

Here are some pictures from Rachel and I's California trip at Mad Greek Cafe and the BIG rainbow we saw!

Oodles of Doodles and Yarn

Brennen leaves this Tuesday. I can't believe its finally actually leaving. He is going to be such an amazing missionary. I know he has grown so much over the past two weeks.
"Those sent to warn sometimes do not know of the danger." -Elder Eyring.
My best friend has the most uplifting assurance in the love of our Savior. The Lord blesses us for making the right decisions. Brennen made all the right ones. This is so hard already, but "the night is darkest just before the dawn" (good ole' batman).

Its been hard to focus on school lately. I feel like my mind is a tangle of yarn. There is always so much I'm thinking about that extracting one thought is like pulling a splinter out of my foot. My focus wants to be on the important things, but it wanders to others. I have so many questions lately that I don't feel like any one person can answer.
Midterms are in about two weeks. I have three big ward activities coming up too. How do I make the most out of those when I can't focus? Geez, someone get me medicine for my ADD.

I've taken to doodling with markers when I get bored.

I really wish I had art skills like Rachel and Juli so I could paint...

I've been reading the Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites. They are so much fun and they really help paint pictures for the awesome stories of the Book of Mormon. Chris Hiemerdinger keeps to the facts in the Book of Mormon really well while making such a fun story! YAY Teancum!

Renewed.

With the start of the new year, I never imagined I would change so much. Maybe that's why Mom loves butterflies so much. I know she loves us so much. She wants us to grow and change into the butterfly creatures she knows we can be.



I ended last semester with all A- and one B+ in American Heritage. I was satisfied.

Spending time with the family over my break was so ridiculously great! We have the funnest family. I really wish we had more opportunities to be together. When I was little I never really felt connected to the rest of the family. The older I get, the more I want to be like my big sisters. They have such a positive, happy outlook on everything. They have become beautiful mothers who teach their kids in astonishing ways. They have inspired me to follow my instincts and the spirit. My parents have become my closest friends. They love and support me when I don't deserve it. They show more every day how to follow the Lord's will. They continue to uplift me at times when I myself feel low. My big brothers truly show me love and respect which I expect from my future husband someday. They give me the biggest hugs and encouragement (especially when it comes to dancing). I feel so blessed to have to opportunity to be with all of you for the eternities. I love the gospel and the knowledge we have of families. Doing Grandma's temple work completely solidified that blessing in my testimony.

This semester so far has been a "fountain of living water." I am constantly surrounded by goodness. Every one of my classes, not just Doctrine and Covenants and Book of Mormon, have intertwined gospel teachings in with worldly knowledge. I realize more and more that this is why I came to BYU. The Lord knew I needed to have relentless reminders. BYU is making my potential even more possible than I ever imagined it would be. I still have heights to reach in my growth, but it has begun. Inch by inch I will accomplish, I will succeed, I will love.

"Live to see such miracles as forgiveness." -Elder Holland, BYU campus devotional


"I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you." -John 14:18