A Savior of Yours

This was my final paper for my New Testament class. I wrote it in about twenty minutes but it sums up my love for the Savior. I felt since it's almost Christmas time it was only fitting to share.



I have known for a while that Christ is my Savior, friend, and comfort. I have known for a while that He lives still. I have often thought about how our Christus depicts the living Christ and is a symbol for our religion. Likewise, the cross is a symbol for many other Christian faiths. This semester I guess I’ve come to more of a realization that Christ leads and guides this church because He lives.

I have had class in Salt Lake every Thursday night this semester. The time in the car has become a major blessing in my crazy, busy life. It’s the only time I have to think. I so often underestimate the power of silence but that drive has reinforced its importance to me. Last week I turned off the music for only fifteen minutes on the way home. I felt a little strange. I finally had a moment to get my jumbled thoughts in order. I felt a power, no special revelation or cools ideas-just presence. I was calm. I was rejuvenated. I started to think about perspective and pictured Joseph Smith’s first vision in my head. Usually, I’m viewing that celestial occurrence as a spectator from the woods. Thursday, I saw it through Joseph’s eyes. The reality of Satan and his power on Earth hit me hard. So often I only think of Satan as having spiritual power to tempt us. I forget his power in a physical sense. Only with great determination was Joseph able to escape the grasps of Satan’s fingertips. As I imagined the light, the glory that appeared after Joseph’s courage it flooded my mind with awe. Two separate, very real beings came and spoke to him. Those beings were present, not past or future. I know they still exist today. Viewing that beautiful moment of the restoration in different eyes calmed me so much.

I feel so many take the powerful knowledge of a living Christ for granted. They do not realize what it means to have the Savior so close and so real. To me, it means that I always have someone to turn to, someone to help sort my thoughts, someone to calm my puzzled heart. To me, Christ is more than the Savior of mankind; He is the Savior that atoned for me. He is the Savior that atoned for not only my sins, but my sorrows.

Jesus is the Christ and knowing that He still comforts men, He still speaks to man makes worries useless. Christ will always be there to guide the church even in the darkest of times. I know that through His living revelation, this church lives and grows. The power of the words of President Monson and the twelve apostles can only be described as such. I feel we are given the knowledge of a living Savior as not only comfort, but hope. We may hope to live again- to live with Him again. We may hope to be clean and love beyond the grave; beyond the limits of time. My Savior lives, loves and inspires me.

Pressure

I spent Thanksgiving in Boise with my roomate Ky. These were all painted in an alley way in downtown!




I seem to be getting these pressure headaches alot lately. I can't focus and I feel stir crazy. Its really been upsetting me...I can't fall asleep the same way and I can't sort my thoughts to come to any sort of conclusion about anything. Bleh.

I'm definitely ready for this semester to be over and done with. School has really kicked my trash lately. I feel stupid because I haven't been able to process new knowledge like usual. I don't know why but my brain seems to be malfunctioning. It doesn't work the same anymore.

I have realized so many of my inadequacies, my weaknesses. For some reason, I cannot pin point them, but I am much more aware they exist. I've lost some of my untamed confidence. I do however, realize the Lord's grace-He blesses me when I am truly undeserving.

Christmas is coming soon and I am SOOO excited to see family. I miss all of my beautiful nieces and nephews. It blows my mind that I have lived another year of my life. So much has changed since last December, and yet so much remains.


I want this month to be the beginning of my service year.

A Think.

Wow.

So, life continues to throw me curve balls. I think I'm learning to catch the pitch. Finally, I've made a decision I feel so complete and content with. I feel like an eight month burden has been whisked away by a choice.

It feels so good to know that I don't know. Is that weird? I don't think so...because its completely refreshing understanding that I really can be content with being completely clueless. I know what my soul wants- not just my mind.

The Lord really times things perfectly. Leaders are truly inspired to share messages.

My stake president spoke last Sunday in our sacrament meeting. He said that some people surround themselves with others because they are afraid of being alone with themselves-afraid of thoughts churning. Could I raise and arm as GUILTY?! Sheesh. Finally, I found time to think. Clear of music, background TV noise, beautiful roomates, and handsome boys chasing me. Cars are amazing inventions...

I don't feel like I had any sort of revelation. I think it was more of a realization of subconsciousness. I found time to listen to myself and I found I'm less complicated than I thought. I no longer feel stretched in two directions. I'm content wandering blindly between chapters of my book.


Find time to sort thoughts and newness comes to your eyes- the sun seems brighter.


P.S.
Here are a few of my Halloween adventures..

Rocks.

There are these rocks that are sitting in my kitchen sink...staring at me. They were sitting at the bottom of a beautiful vase of flowers wrapped in orange and pink ribbon. Drain...

Those years ruined me for good. My heart can't change as much as I want it to...as much as a I need it to.

Mom wrote in a card and sent in my lunch senior year. It was during a low time for me...It said, "I'm sorry you're hurting--sometimes love does that."

Presently, I'm mad at love. I don't want to love. Stoicism would make things so much easier for me. Buh.

Ache.
My body needs to dance. My feelings need to move. I have no where to let loose.

Pictures of recent happenings....

Boy.



Boy sends flowers to work..."no more fat days"



Blue Foam Football.



On Campus Brother/Sister date.



Some newly acquired country swing dance skills.

Home

Its scary to me how comfortable I feel living away from home. Provo feels like home now.

Life has been good. Its amazing how certain people can eliminate stress for me. I love people...especially when they make my life less complicated.

Work has been SO great! The kids I work with are amazing and my boss is fanTAStic. I hope to excel and grow in position in our office...I have learned so much. I feel so much more secure in serving people when I know what is going on. I find comfort in knowledge.

Last weekend I hiked the highest peak in the Wasatch range- Mt. Nebo. It was amazing. We left before dawn and reached the summit right as the sun began to rise. Physically, it was more challenging that I expected. Before we were even half way up, each time we stopped, it was silent. The air was still and calm. The thought lingered, "stand still and see the salvation of God." I love nature. Hearing the promptings of the Spirit is simple. I feel connected, in tune. No wonder Joseph Smith went to the Sacred Grove! I need that peace more often than I get it. My mind gets so loud and crazy. Time in quiet would help to get my thoughts in order, get my actions in line, and get my feet on the Lord's path.


Can I say again...that I loooove my roomates?!!!!

Personal Mission

With the beginning of a new semester I feel some change is in order. I have so much I want to accomplish-to learn. Today was the first day of school and it was crazy...I had to move around my schedule a bit. I'm going to have a lot less free time to play this semester.

Oh yeah. And I love love love my new roomates. They're inspiring.

Personal Mission Statement


I am at my best when I feel secure..
I will try to prevent times when I don't understand what's going on..
I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can make other people happy..
I will find enjoyment in my personal life through developing relationships and dance..
I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as creativity, dance, caring for others, and being organized..
I can do anything I set my mind to. I will open a dance studio..
My life's journey is to bring the gospel to the lives of others, to influence with music, service, and love..
I will be a person who’s husband will say that I inspired and drove him to grow closer to God, that I shared my knowledge and passion for color and music freely, and that my children reflect the best of my qualities..
My most important future contribution to others will be my faith reflected in my willingness to serve and spread the gospel..

I will stop procrastinating and start working on:
• Not breaking hearts
• Becoming a conspicuous representative of Jesus Christ.
• Not quitting when I’m not good at something.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:
• Courage
• Humility
• Determination

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

Physical-wake up at 6AM, dance/stretch 4 times a week, eat daily servings of fruits and vegetables

Spiritual-pray twice daily or more, read at least one chapter of scripture other than for school daily, attend the temple once a week

Mental-write out daily plans, remain organized, plan money

Social/Emotional-participate in ward activities, go on dates with my boyfriend, write missionaries on a regular basis, develop closer relationships with girls

Shoot to Kill.

Finally! I'm back in Provo. The drive was nice and I drove a lot of the way surprisingly.

Summer ended nicely. My friend Jeff from the singles ward in Houston took me out with some other kids the last night I was in town. We had a blast! Red Robin burgers are delicious. Games and Dave & Busters are awesome. The movie "Ponyo" is a definite recommend.


Now I'm on the hunt; for a job that is. Job searching discourages me. I feel so unqualified for most of the positions I want. I'm looking for more of a professional setting than a cafeteria and those jobs are much harder to come by on campus at BYU. My class schedule has been a major pain, but I can't fix it without dropping my major pre-requisites and I've got to get those finished!

Mom and I attended education week these past few days. It has been so enlightening and given me the spiritual invigoration I've needed lately. Every one here is so kind and tender hearted- truly "happy valley." I've followed through on the goals I made this year so far. It feels good to accomplish. It feels good to wake up at 6AM and go for a jog in the crisp air. It feels good to be closer to the Lord in the temple. It feels good to ponder and write. Life feels good. General life that is...not including love life.

I figured I'd bullet list things I learned this week whether they were my own impressions or teachers comments:

-Mercy: we don't get the punishment we deserve.
Grace: we receive blessings we do not deserve

-The light of Christ encourages us to remember the pre-mortal life and leads us to find the Holy Ghost.

-The Holy Ghost in turn leads us to make covenants.

-When we receive the gift of the Holy Ghost we are "united by priesthood ordinance with a god."

-God treats us as we have already been exhalted. That is His grace.

-Joseph Smith was born into a non-member family ;]

-"Christ saw sin as wrong but he realized that all sin springs from a deep unmet need." -Pres. Kimball

-Finite powers cannot comprehend infinite principles. Therefore, you cannot access that higher power without knowing it.

-God does not dwell in unholy temples but He does dwell in temples under construction!

-The atonement covers all. Not only our sins are as scarlett, our sorrows are too and may be made pure white through Christ's healing grace.

-Nature is a peaceful place because God created it. You cannot find that solace in a man-made edifice.

-Covenants made at baptism are just as eternal as those made in the temple.

-Sometimes the Lord puts us in peoples lives just to be there.

I know its a little scattered but those were some of my favorite things. It surprises me how my spirit can feel such peace but my mind is anxious and distressed. Does that ever stop?

Truths

I go through these awesome bouts of gratitude. A heart and mind of gratitude opens doors to unseen wisdom. More is appreciated and learned. AH! It is so great! I decided to just include random thoughts that I am grateful for.

Light.
Children, and some adults, are terrified of darkness. With no light, there is no for-warning of danger. I think that is the same reason so many people lack faith. They are afraid to give up the eyes of the world and learn from the feelings of eternity. The Lord guides us through promptings and impressions of the Spirit. "Tell me, I'll forget. Show me, I'll remember. Involve me, I'll understand." By stirring us with feelings, Heavenly Father involves us in the learning process. We can better comprehend his purposes. The temple is a light in my life. Temples are often referred to as "mountains of the Lord." On top of a mountain, you can see to such far reachings! I don't think the temple has opened my eyes to the eternities just yet, but it makes me feel more content with the inevitability of my potential. Light discerns truth. The stones used by the brother of Jared were refined and worked to a pure clear white. Only then did the Lord's finger fill them with light. "For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23).


Plans.
I get frustrated so easily when I get stuck with a big group of people and there is no plan. We always end up watching a movie or something that is slightly boring. I let myself get frustrated with the Lord sometimes too because I just want to know what his plans are for me! EXACTLY! But...I forget that it is all in the Lord's timing. As much as it drives me crazy, I am so thankful to know that He has a plan, even if I might not know what it is. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7).


A Father.
My Dad is so gentle. I am proud to have such a righteous example of faith. I love being his daughter, learning from him, and observing his service in the church. Dad's determination to choose light over evil makes me realize something SO COOL- I am grateful to be a Daughter of God! WOWsuh. In the Pearl of Great Price the Lord affirms the truth that Moses is His son. Included at the beginning of each counsel the Lord reiterates, "thou art my son." Satan comes sneaking along and attempts to tempt Moses. But NO SIR! What does Moses say? "Who are thou? For behold I am a son of God...where is thy glory that I should worship thee?" Moses understood his personal worth to Heavenly Father and that knowledge revealed the lowliness of Satan. Its almost like he says, "Shoot fool. Do you think I'm that stupid? I know the being that loves me. I know the potential I have to become like Him. Where do you get off thinking that I would stoop to your level?" HA! In your face Satan!!






Melody.
Notes and rhythms sooth me. They give me drive and purpose. They give me focus and strength. Music grabs a hold of my spirit like nothing else. It can be a comfort and an excitement, a way into others lives. Harmony brings me closer to those I share it with. My home will be FULL of music, noooooo doubts about that.



Perspective.
In my freshman academy class my first semester at BYU I discovered that for man to have faith, he must have some assurance that his path is pleasing to Heavenly Father. I want to cultivate that sensitivity. I want that steady feeling that my choices are in line with His will. It has just been so hard to figure that out, BUT what I'm grateful for is the calming thought that (once again) even if I don't know the exact plan, I know He has one. I know I am meant to serve and share, to rear a family in joy and love. I just gotta figure out how to bring all of it about!!!


Rush.
I bore my testimony today. The adrenaline rush that comes from the Spirit sometimes is AweSOOME! My heart was pumping and my mouth was smiling! Sharing my affirmations of the hope of the gospel feels SO GOOD! I have a Book of Mormon in my car. I want to be prepared for the time that the Lord has someone that needs me.




This was a bit of a long post. BUT all is well. I love this gospel and I know so so surely that it is true, that the Savior is it's head. Joseph Smith restored it and brought the Book of Mormon to the Earth through translation of the plates. I know a simple prayer saved and will save so many. The hope of the Savior is a light in times of darkness and rescues from sorrow. The temple is a place of forevers. Families are instituted by God and were meant to help us along this trudge through mortality.

I am blessed.

Boiling.

I let myself get so riled up. Stupid things bother me. Why can't other people just act exactly how I want them to? (long depressed sigh)

Summer is almost over. Sadly, I wish it was so much sooner. Plans changed five times over. I won't be headed to Utah until the second or so week of August.

I hate second guessing myself constantly. I wonder if a decision was right for months after I make it.

Mom and I went to the beach yesterday. It was nice to just sit in the sun and listen to music. It didn't really help me relax anymore.

Fake out.

So as soon as my life starts to make me think its normal-SHAZAM. And I get whacked in the face. I had decided to go back to Utah at the end of this month. Mom and Dad left for California and I got a call from Old Navy and they want me to come interview. SO if I get the job there I'll be staying Houston until the end of summer. I hate when things are so up in the air. It makes me feel really anxious for some reason.

Fourth of July weekend was fun! Laura's birthday was the Thursday before so I went to Beaumont to party it up with girls and we had a blast! Then Laura came to town and she came to a bunch of ward activity stuff with me!





AH there is some other crazy stuff going on but maybe we'll save that for another day...A love that does not sacrifice never has the endurance sufficient to achieve a celestial union.


I started reading Sheri Dew's book "If Life were Easy it wouldn't be Hard." It has all the things I need to hear in it! She is so enlightening. I feel like I have so much to work on with my own personal security. "On this jaunt through mortality we've simply got to leave our baggage behind because our spiritual joints can't take the pounding." I need to work on dropping my baggage and letting that weight be lifted from my spirit. Starting anew...again. Let myself fly.

Cause I do not accept any less than something just as real as fabulous.

WHEW.

Summer is pretty killer. My life is still pretty dang boring...

Ethan's visit was great. He is such a good guy and really cares about his friends. I have no idea how he got so good at knowing what girls feel...it baffles me. We had a good time touring all the museum's and hanging with Katherine and Caroline.



I 'm so excited that I have two new nephews. Being home around some of the eleven makes me LOVE being an aunt. Its a good feeling when this adorable snotty nosed face cuddles and cries on you but refuses his grandma, or when this beautiful blossoming young girl sits on your closet and tells you how stylish you are. My nieces and nephews make me so excited to be a mom.



Speaking of mom, do you realize how amazing mine is? Thanks to her (with a little help from my dad) all of my siblings are beautiful, smart(sad to say most of that comes from dad ;]), and spiritual. However defined our differences are, I see so much of her in all of us.

A friend and I have taken a few classes from a dance studio here in Houston called Planet Funk. Its been kind of ammmmmazing. The choreography is fantastic. It makes my body feel so much better..I went to recital while Ethan was here and it made me ache for dance. BUT now my aches and pains have subsided. Its so nice to have something to be excited about.

Shnikies.

Its late. My mind is raging. There are so many thoughts rushing through it right now its giving me a pressure headache.

There are always to many sides to my life- my relationships. I don't think it was ever as simple as a square or triangle. Its complexity jumped straight to cubes and pyramids. I miss the days when life, thoughts, and worries were so plain. I miss feeling so concrete in my feelings. How did that so suddenly vanish? It makes me feel like a bad person.

I wonder what in my mind is erased when it has to make room for new information. What gets tucked away in some cabinet full of thoughts? I know there have been times when I need access to those filing drawers but that key has been long since discarded.

Attempts at words to describe thought makes it easier to sort things out. My knotted yarn ball I've talked about is back again...

Ethan came to visit FINALLY. I haven't seen him in two years. Its crazy to me how well he knows me. I've really needed a best friend lately and he's been there for that.

Update

Its been a while. Sorry about that.

So...I've been home for a few weeks now. I have no life, friends, or job. The lack of such causes me to miss my dear Brennen sooo much more because I have NOTHING to distract me. But I did get to hear his sweet voice on mother's day and BOY did that feel good! I got to cuddle with his adorable nephew Nolan while I waited to get my turn alone with Brennen.


This last weekend we traveled to Mimi's for her graduation. I am constantly awed by my sisters abilities. Erin is so calm and collected when everything(children in particular) has fallen to chaos. She commands respect but without harsh words or a raised voice- with love. Mimi is so enlightening. Her laugh FILLS me with joy. It really is contagious. Her bright smile is sincere. I love my sisters and the examples they are to me.


I love this world! It was so beautiful outside today! I wish we didn't have to be so smooshed in the car...I would have loved to go for a long walk.


The Emma Smith soundtrack uplifts me. I love how music can do that even without words. I want to be as un-faltering in my love for my future husband as Emma was. I used to have a really hard time understanding how she could go astray from the church. I know I don't have to understand her exact reasons now and I can respect her for the Elect lady she was. I want to emulate that.

Maybe I should start my refinement by shaving my armpits ;]

OH and I forgot!!!!!!!!! Go to this link. I met this kid and he is super cool!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rzl05ZJ4O7s&feature=channel_page

A new HSM3

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Here I come!

Oh my goodness! Today was my last day of classes! It is so crazy to me that I have almost completed an entire year of college. I'm SOOOO excited for summer and to be with family and friends again. I miss home!

Our closing social was last Thursday. It was a blast! J-dawgs catered, we watched a slideshow of all of our ward pictures, and then we played Survivor games. It got pretty messy...especially when 3 or 4 of the boys threw up in the parking lot. Then Friday night I went out with one of David's MTC companions. We went to a B league basketball game! It was a blast! He is a way fun guy and we talk ALOT! Saturday was crazy busy. I went and watched the final concert for the Ballroom company for my friend Taylor. It was FANTASTIC! Ballroom looks like so much fun. I hope I get to take some before I'm done here at BYU.

I registered for fall semester classes yesterday. I'm taking Portuguese! Brennen will be so excited!! I got an AWESOME letter from him yesterday...with FIVE pictures! I love one valiant, energized young man. ANYWAYS classes...I'll be finishing my major pre-requisites so I can apply to the Public Relations major in the winter. I really wanted to take the floral design class but it didn't fit my hours. I know Mom would have been jealous.

Tomorrow is my last day of work and I'm PUMPED. Not to be poor again...but to have more time to play/sleep. I have lots of studying to do for finals and I need to start figuring my packing...

Sometimes I just have these random impressions. The church is SOO true!! I wish I had better words and courage to relay that message to EVERYONE! I know people would realize the peace and happiness that comes from the love of the Savior so quickly if they would simply try living it. I know how important we are to Him and that everything that happens, every insecurity we feel, can be bolstered, strengthened by love and knowledge of His plan for us.

Blessed

MAN lately I have felt so abundantly blessed. I don't know what it is but I just know that the Lord has given me so much! "Happy is a grateful heart." Its hard to remember how awesome trials are when they are happening. Sometimes I just feel like "geez, haven't I had enough happen this year?" But I always end up feeling so LOVED because of it! I have learned so much because of how hard I've had it! And ya know, I complain a lot...but I don't even have it that hard! I'm just a big pansy and the Lord has to toughen me up.

I am blessed with a body that moves and loves music.



a righteous gatherer of Israel for a never-ceasing best friend.



a sturdy family that lifts and inspires me.



an amazing ward full of the COOLEST most caring college kids ever.



to have all that I need and more.



the ability to work.


the opportunity to be pushed down but helped back up again.



The Lord will never let you fall any further than your knees. He may heal the wounds, but He leaves us scars to remember Him by. The scars are a beautiful thing.

Can I just say, Music is so touching. If you let it, I know it can literally move anyone to feel the Spirit.

Steamed.

This week, everything has hated me. Nothing is going right at all and there is nothing I can do about it. It genuinely makes me angry...which is new for me.

But now that I know how it feels to be angry, I don't know what to do about it. I feel like there is no way to let all of this out productively without hurting anyone, without hurting myself.

Its nights like tonight that make me envy those who are bluntly opinionated. They never let anything that bothers them bottle up. Mine is bottled up like a shaken bottle of Coke. The air inside just keeps expanding. I feel like breaking down, but I have no one to break down on now because Brennen is gone. I miss his sweet advice to say a prayer for peace, his tender reassurances.

It seems like those are much harder to come by than I imagined...

A Wish

to never have a broken heart, to never break a heart, to know exactly what needs to happen, to not miss what needs no missing, to have a fixed decision, to always remember a feeling, to live with no regrets, to forget, to reach that endless potential.


Still, its just that- a fleeting wish with no backing but a sliver of hope.

Fresh

Lately days have gotten long, full of busy activities. Work makes my days so much more occupied. I enjoy what I do at work. I like talking to people. Sometimes I find it hard to understand what they want. I guess I need to work on my people skills. My school work has become second rate. Honestly this semester is just a lot harder to enjoy learning. I've worked out every day for three weeks now. I love how happy I feel after wards. I try to swim after every work out. I miss being in the pool all the time. My body feels almost as comfortable swimming as it does dancing. Maybe I should have been a synchronized swimmer?

There has been so much happen to me this year. I have had to find myself and look to the Lord for the kind of friendship I need. My thoughts are constantly going, wondering what I could be doing better, if what I'm doing is pleasing to Him. I want to be doing the right things for the right reasons. Sometimes its hard to be sure if my decisions feel right because they are what IS right or if they are just what I want. Goals pile up. I work on them every day but they are all goals that must be constantly nourished and sometimes I feel as if they're unreachable. I want to have alll the light I possibly can!

I've discovered my weakness. But for now, that will remain a secret ;]

Brennen is doing well. I didn't get anything from him this week. Sister Miller told mom this week he seemed to be struggling more with the language. I know he'll be fine. If he isn't amazing at everything the first time he tries it he gets frustrated. He knows how to follow promptings and rely on the Spirit to guide him. He'll be fluent in no time!

The weather has been beautiful lately. I love the mountains and how big they make the sky. Yesterday morning a cloud sat on top of the mountains hiding their peaks. It looked fake.

I finally decided what to do for my creativity project. I am going to focus on Ophelia from Shakespeare's Hamlet. She had a lot of "emotional baggage" so I am going to create bags that discuss her issues with her father, lover, and brother. Then for each I'm going to include another artistic work interpreting her feelings- an art piece, a dance, and a poem.

Tubing!!

On Valentines day I went tubing with all my Colorado boys and some girls from my ward! We had SOO much fun! SNOW IS AMAZING!






Second email from Brennen update: He is the new AP to his mission president. He has only been there two weeks. Goodness me that boy is so amazing.

I'm going back blonde this week! I've missed those good ole days ;]

Archaeology is kicking my tooshie. I have that midterm starting this week and I have a feeling no matter how hard I study my butt off I won't do well. I figured that class would be a fun, interesting general ed. requirement. BUT OH HOW WRONG WAS I!?

I am making an online magazine for my Mass Communication class. It is www.BoardOuttaMyMind.7h.com I get graded on how many people subscribe and open my emails. If you could go subscribe for me that would be AWESOME! It should be a pretty good website too! My group and I have had a lot of fun making it!